Leah: [00:00:00] Thank you so much for tuning into another episode on The Balancing Busy podcast. Today is an interview and we have Kate Merrick with us. Kate, I am so excited to have you here. Will you just start by kind of introducing yourself for us? 

Kate: Hi, Leah, and hey, everyone listening and watching. Um, my name is Kate Merrick, and I, wow.

How, where do I even start? I feel like I’ve lived so much life. Like, I don’t even know. I just turned 50 this year and it’s like. Oh my gosh. I lived a whole lot of lives. So, um, I was a pastor’s wife for 20 years and, um, my husband retired from ministry a few years ago. I’ve written two books, one about grief and one about practicing presence.

And currently I, um, I’m not doing any writing. Everyone’s always Are you writing? Are you writing? I’m not writing right now. Uh, but I do some speaking and. We have a family business, which is surfboards, and I work in the family business, which is super fun. I live in [00:01:00] carpentry, California, which is really close to Santa Barbara, if anyone is familiar with that area.

And um, that’s me in a nutshell. I’ve got three kids and there you go. 

Leah: I love it. So you have had so many different experiences, so many different lives and, and sometimes it’s like, oh my gosh, where do I even go? But as I was thinking about this conversation coming up and getting to talk with you, one of the things that I got really excited to talk about was.

Giving yourself permission to pull back because that can be so challenging. It can come with a lot of guilt of, I’m not being grateful enough. If I pull back, um, these opportunities were given to me. I should be taking them their blessings. It can also come if we keep holding on. That leads to resentment sometimes.

So. Can you sort of walk us through the peak of everything? What did that look like? And then [00:02:00] choosing to pull back, like what did it take to get you to a place where you could accept and, and acknowledge that that was the next step. 

Kate: Sure. I’m gonna give a bit of my story, but I’m gonna start by saying that, um, personality type, if anyone’s ever read Gretchen Rubin’s, what is it?

The four types? Oh, it’s such a good book. There’s a, a type called obliger, and I am an obliger. I mean, I’m a free spirit. I’m like, let’s party. I just wanna like ride a horse and swim in the ocean and go surfing and. Slide down rainbows, like all the live long day. But I’m also an obliger. And so if someone has expectations on me, whether real or imagined, it’s really, really hard for me to navigate that thing.

And so that’s just like, keep that in mind when, when, as we move forward, um, I feel like I’m stuck, sort of an enigma as far as, um, I’m not Type A, that’s just not who I am, but I [00:03:00] do tend to just like go overwhelm. Do all the things and, and, um, it’s really, really hard for me to give myself permission to pull back.

So I’m gonna, I’m gonna backtrack a bit in about, gosh, maybe 15 years ago now. So I have three kids. I told you my first son is now 24, and then my daughter Daisy, is the one I’m gonna talk about. And then I also have a daughter named Theodora and she just turned 11. So, um. About 15 years ago. It was the first, I think it was the third, uh, Monday of September, and I was so excited because for the first time since I’d become a mom, both of my kids would be in school.

I. Any moms out there were like, heck yes. It’s a party Monday morning. My mother-in-law used to say, my favorite smell is the smell of school buses in September, which is like halfway terrible, but halfway like, yeah, I feel you. So it was the, it was the [00:04:00] third Monday and we were deep in ministry. We had planted a church.

It was going off. It was crazy. We were planting other churches. We were so busy all the time. And it was really, really cool and amazing and fun. But Monday was my date day with my husband and we dropped our kids off. We, um, got our surfboards, we’re a surfing family, like I said, and we went, we were about to head down to the beach and I got a call from my friend who worked at the school and she said, Hey, Daisy fell down on the playground.

And she’s, she’s hurt. She should come and get her. And I’m kind of a tough. Mama. I’m like, yeah, fall out of a tree. I don’t care. You’re fine. Like you bounce back. I did it. We’re all five. And I was a little like, Ugh, I’m busy. I’m going surfing. This is like my date day. And um, she’s like, yeah, she’s pretty hurt.

You need to come. And so when we showed up, she was in fact very hurt and she was throwing up because of the pain. And [00:05:00] so we took her to the ER and um. They did tests all day, tried to figure out what was wrong. They thought she had a burst kidney. They thought she had all these things, and by the end of the day she had a cancer diagnosis.

And so my 5-year-old had a tumor of a size of a Nerf football in her belly. And what went from like doing all the things to like screeching hot. I didn’t go home for 11 days. People brought stuff for me and um, it was just like such a wake up call, right? You know, you think your life is going one way and in fact it’s going quite another and you just didn’t even know it.

And so 11 days later we finally came home. She had surgery and, and all the things and was. Really horrifying. It was, I would like to say the most horrifying time of my life, but the next three and a half years were the most horrifying time of my life. And, um, [00:06:00] she, she fought and fought and fought for three years.

And, um, we were at UCLA, we had run out of options for her and we were going to take our family to Israel to get experimental treatment. And there is this brilliant doctor out there, and he’s doing all these, you know, experimental things with, gosh, cancer vaccines and onco therapy and all these things.

And we’re like, this is our only chance. Our, our doctor’s like, yeah, we got nothing for you. And so we had to harvest her stem cells to get there. And so we’re in the hospital yet again. And we had spent, you know, three years on and off in the hospital. And we’d been there for like, they said, oh, it’ll take a few days and.

We had already been there for a week, and IO obviously hate hospitals. I don’t know anyone who loves them. We’re in the hospital, we’re in the middle of la and you look out the window and it’s just like concrete jungle. And [00:07:00] like, I love country. I love the beach. I, I love to be surrounded by birds and animals.

Like it’s, it’s just like. Rips my soul out to be in a city and I’m looking out the window and I had my phone open and at that time I had Instagram and it was pretty new back then. Um, it wasn’t what it is now, but, um, and I was scrolling and, and back then we just followed your actual friends and so I was looking at all my friends’ lives and they were all doing the things that I wanted to be doing.

They were all at the beach. They were all at the barbecue. All their daughters had long flowing hair and mine is skeletal and in a bed across the room with no hair dying. And I remember just. Getting so bitter and scrolling through my, through my phone and just getting more and more bitter with every swipe.

And I’m telling you, I heard the voice of God and he said, look up. And I remember being like, what? Why? [00:08:00] No, that was weird. And I heard it again, look up. And I look up across the room and there’s my little girl and she’s in her bed and she’s watching cartoons or something, and. Like honestly, God spoke to me and said, no one else in the world gets to be here with her right now.

Why would you waste it? Why would you look at what everyone else is doing and completely ignore what you have? And I was like, mind blown. Mind blown. Not only was I torturing myself on social media, and I’m not here to bash social media is, was a huge part of my, the catalyst to my lifestyle really. And um.

I remember putting my phone down and walking over to her and just getting in bed with her and cuddling and just being like, wow, this is what I have right now. Right now. If I don’t pull back, Leah, I will miss this. Right. And so [00:09:00] pulling back can take many forms. It can take, you know. Quit comparing yourself.

Quit looking what everyone else is doing. It can take the form of don’t work so much, um, who are your standards with your home cleanliness or your obligations or whatever. And for me, at that time, that’s the form it took. And we left for Israel maybe a week or so later, and we decided we would leave our smartphones at home.

And we took a laptop. We told our parents, Hey. We’re, we’re gonna be like, you can’t get ahold of us. We will email you once a week to let you know what’s happening. And that’s it. And we were like, we need to do this and have this time together. And we spent three months there trying to save her life. And, um, they were horrifying and magical all at the same time because all we had was each other.

We were completely cut off. We have these little. Flip phones just in case we lost each other in Jerusalem or [00:10:00] something like that. And um, and that’s it. We were just fully present with each other and six weeks after we got home, Daisy went to heaven. And, um, but that decision to pull back and, and to. To just so in, to like my actual life was, I would say, super pivotal.

Obviously it was under extreme circumstances, um, in our life. And, you know, I pray that, I know it happens a lot to a lot of people when, not the only ones who’ve lost a child or lost a loved one or had any kind of tragedy or suffering, but, um. Not only is, was it just so powerful to, to learn to lean into whatever your life actually is instead of what you wish it was?

It, it was just a huge gift and it just set us up for this, you know, lifestyle of, I don’t know, pulling back when you need to pull back and leaning in when you need to lean in or where you [00:11:00] need to lean in. 

Leah: Thank you so much for sharing your experience. ’cause I know that is always going to be so raw and just the most vulnerable moments of your life and you’re sharing it with all of us.

And as you talked about, pulling back, I. This idea of what pulling back might look like is so different for each one of us. And we might have those main things that we think about, right? Like business or whatever it might be. But I love how you just, you shared so many different things. Maybe it’s pulling back from social media, maybe it’s pulling back from the expectations you’re putting on the state of your home.

Maybe it is pulling back from your business. So for the woman who. Here’s this and says, I, I don’t like how things feel. There’s, there’s something that doesn’t feel the way I, I dream of it feeling that I want it to. I’m not [00:12:00] entirely sure where I pull back though. What would you suggest to her? 

Kate: Sure. I, you know, I always like to remember that E YouTube post only has 24 hours in a day, and it might feel, all you listening is like, well, I don’t know.

It feels like Lee’s got 36 in hers. Like. I think there are certain people out there, you’re like, are you sure you saw him the same 24 hours as I do? Um, you know, and there’s the factor in of your season in life and, you know, I now have, you know, one child under the roof and there’s all these things. But I think as, as far as something practical for me, I like to put a priority list right to the things.

’cause that’s something we can all do. So number one is always gonna be people. Always, always, always, you choose your people over everything else. You choose your people over screens. Of course you choose your people over, uh, extra [00:13:00] work if you’re making ends meet, but you just have this drive to win and it’s coming at as an expense of either your peace, your people, uh, then.

Hey, that’s a, that’s a sign to pull back. So I’ve done this several times in my life where I actually write a list down for such a free spirit list, or like, I actually need them to tether me to like planet earth. It’s really helpful. And so, especially when like, everything is swirling, right? Especially, you know, you’ve, you, you’re working, you’ve got kids a home, you’ve got a social life, um, possibly a church life, other, you know, all the things I.

Well, sometimes it feels like something is so pressing. For example, oh man, you know, there’s this baby shower I have to go to. For me it’s social occasions like that ’cause. Praise Laura. I get invited to a few. I’m thankful for that, but I’ll, you know, at the end of the day, it’s like, well, ma’am, I could either spend time with [00:14:00] my child this weekend, who maybe she was gone all week or whatever, or I can go and spend my time with strangers.

Well, on that list, my child is gonna be above a stranger. So, you know, I would say what’s important to you, um, your people, your, your, your health, your wellbeing, your spiritual life, um, all these things. And then, and then you dial in, well, what’s, what’s, like, what’s weighing on my, what’s weighing on my heart right now?

And you know what’s funny, Leah is like literally 10 minutes ago. I was just cruising around doing stuff at my house, and I just felt so heavy, like, oh, I just had to pray about it. I was like, all right, Lord, like. What is like weighing on me and I, there was clarity. It was like, oh, okay, I got an exorbitant bill from this person.

That’s okay. We’ll work it out when it’s time. Oh, well there’s this issue. Oh, that’s okay. I’ll work it out when it’s time. And I realized, well, those things are [00:15:00] down here on the list and these things are up here on the list. So for me it’s family. If something’s cutting into your family, um. And, and everything has nuance.

Everything has nuance. It could be like, man, I’m working my tail off because I’m finishing school. I’m working my tail. You know, I, I think back when I was 25, I was working full-time. I was, I. Taking 20 units at school, which I think 12 is the normal, or 12 to 16. And we were living in a house with like in community with other people.

We were like house sitting parents, so to speak. And that was like, I never, and we had a ministry, I never had a minute to myself. And that was just a season. And that’s not something I would recommend for any human being to carry, you know, all the time because something’s gonna give. And I think that’s. I think that’s the point.

And I would encourage anyone listening, like watch for something’s gonna give, right? [00:16:00] Every single time. Watch for what, what is it? What is it? And was it worth the cost? Right? Is everything has a cost every single Yes. That you say? Well, a no comes with it. Okay. I say yes to, um, I don’t know. Let me just throw something out there.

I say yes to going to speak somewhere, but happens to be the weekend that. You know, is someone close to ME’S birthday? Well, I’m saying no to that experience. Is that yes. Worth it? Sometimes the yes is worth it. And that’s part of your calling. That’s part of, you know, we all have costs, but I think a lot of times we as women, and I’m coming back to where I said I was an obliger.

I think a lot of women fill this need to like fulfill everyone’s needs. Yeah. In the whole wide world. I know I do. I don’t care who you are. I feel like, oh my gosh, I should feed you. I let me wash your [00:17:00] clothes. Wow, you, there’s a smudge. Let me, let me get that for you in, in fact, it’s actually not our jobs to do all those things.

Our job is to take, take care of ourselves, our health, our, you know, our emotional and spiritual wellbeing, and those of the people closest to us, whether, you know, those are family, friends, spouse, children, parents, siblings. So on. 

Leah: Yes. There’s so much in there that’s just so good. You know, going back to your very first, you know that we all have these 24 hours in a day.

I remember so vividly this moment where I felt so angry, even because I felt like surely other people had some secret. Backdoor where they got more hours than me, right? Like it just felt like I am trying to do all of the things and I have eliminated anything, fluff. I mean, I am taking care of [00:18:00] all essentials, which are my children, my company, so that I can provide for us.

Back then, um, my husband was still in graduate school, so I was like our sole provider, right? Like, and my volunteer work and my services and Right. Like, it was like there’s nothing left and there’s still not enough time. And I felt like I had this very toxic, negative relationship with time. I, like, we were not.

Friends, we did not get along well. I was constantly bashing on time, and time was never showing up for me the way I needed it, and I had to make this huge shift of truly recognizing and understanding. No, we really do each have 24 hours and when you look at, you know, certain people and you go, how do they do it?

They have learned how to utilize those 24 hours in the absolute best way. They have removed out the things that don’t serve them, that distract [00:19:00] them, um, and that aren’t their, their core values. Right? Which, you know, you shared like your family, your health, your, um, emotional and physical. Experiences those relationships.

Right. Those things. And so, you know, as we’re hearing this and, and you were talking about those social obligations that can tether us to not ever feeling like we have enough time because we’re saying yes to things that then pull us from what truly matters most. And as you were talking about that, I was thinking about how one of the.

Strategies that we can use that can make such a difference is slowing down long enough to analyze the cost, right? Mm. Every single thing does have a cost. We, I think, seem to be even more prevalent. In saying yes quickly as women, right? We wanna please, we want people to be happy, we want everyone to be taken care of.

We don’t want anyone to be to [00:20:00] be lacking. And so we say yes so quickly, and just learning that strategy of slowing down. Let me get back to you or let me take a look at, mm-hmm. At the calendar. Let me check in with so and so, and analyzing that cost because how many times has every single one of us said yes.

So fast. And then you look at the calendar after and you’re like, oh my gosh, that’s my son’s baseball game, or that’s my daughter’s recital. Or that was the weekend we were gonna go out with friends, or That’s so and so’s birthday, or, you know, whatever it is, because we just said yes to fast. Mm-hmm. So this all brings us to, and you’ve written an entire book about it.

Being more present, right? If we can slow down, if we can be more present, if we can look up and take the moments and enjoy them, instead of spending so much time and energy on the next thing, right? We’re already mentally in the next thing [00:21:00] before it’s even shown up, right? It’s Friday, we’re coming into the weekend, and we’re already in the mental game for Monday or whatever, whatever that looks like for each of us.

How do we. Actually practice more presence 

Kate: who is so multifaceted. It really starts, I think, get like that, giving yourself permission, right? And not only just permission as an obliger, I don’t just want permission to pull back to say no, to slow down. I want it to feel like, no, actually this is what you’re supposed to do.

Right? And. Um, in the Bible, one of the 10 Commandments is to observe the Sabbath. Right? And that is taking a day where you don’t do any work. And it’s so funny because as a believer, as a Christian person, I’m like, oh yeah, you know, don’t lie, don’t murder, you know, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal people’s stuff [00:22:00] like.

All of it’s such a chicken and Got it. Nope. Yeah, I’m good. And then it says, observe the Sabbath day and keep it holy. And you’re like, oh, I don’t know. That sounds old fashioned or something. I don’t know. That sounds weird. Um, and then you really look into it and, and you see what God was doing for the people, uh, his people at that time.

He’s saying, Hey, listen, one day a week. I want you to chillax. Okay? Now this means no work. Okay? And which means trust. Like I have got to trust God, that he’s gonna take care of my business, that he’s gonna take care of my family, that he’s gonna take care of all my needs and that he’s telling me. You need to take a step back.

You need to give it over to me. So I think that’s a huge first step is like, all right, I’m just gonna trust God with this. I’m gonna trust God with my visits. I’m gonna trust God with my relationships. I’m gonna trust God with everything that He’s given me [00:23:00] because he’s actually asked me to. And. One thing that Jesus says I love so much is he said, God made the Sabbath for man, not man for the Sabbath.

So it’s actually a gift to us. I don’t know if to like, you know, make loopholes or, or weird rules or, or anything. God’s just saying, Hey man, it is so good for you to take a chill, to relax and you know, we are like the highest ever rates of suicide. Our anxiety’s off the chart. Everybody’s on SSRIs. I mean, obviously we are in a very sick culture and I really think that like overdoing it is a huge, huge part of that.

Um, so how do, how do we practice presence? So I really think it’s multifaceted and, and it can go anywhere from like, Hey man. Turn your Instagram, turn your social media platforms off. If, if you’re on there for business, like that’s a whole other deal. I get that. So maybe post, don’t scroll. You know, take a step back, trust God with your [00:24:00] business, you know, a day a week, or set up one of those automatic posting things.

I’m not trying to hate on anyone who, you know, earns a living on social media. Um. But it can look like dialing back from that. I think what’s important is, um, being together, right? So have a meal with your people, whatever that looks like. Uh, take a rest. Take a break. Put all your, you know. Papers for me, it’s like, what are the things that weigh on you?

For me, it’s like, oh man, I got a stack of bills or all these things that have to like get done. Okay, well today’s not the day. I’m actually like being told by the creator of the universe to take a step back and let him take the wheel. So I’m gonna try that out and see what happens. And I’m telling you like every time it just feels, I feel like my soul gets like.

Chiropractic adjustment, it feels like. I love that. Right? Like it just feels like things are [00:25:00] in order again. And if I don’t get that, I have gotten so used to it that if I don’t get that, I’m really out of sorts. Mm-hmm. And so I’ve learned to not just like, like create margin in my life, but I’ve learned that it’s just such an important.

Um, commandment, it’s such an important way, a rhythm of a human being that if I don’t do it all the other balls are gonna get dropped and it’s gonna create more work for itself. So I’m like, Hey, if, if, if you’ve gotta tell yourself actually not working a day, a week, however that looks is actually going to work for me, it’s a trust issue.

And I think that’s kind of like why God tells us to take a Sabbath is that he wants us to trust him with. Our money with our time with our people. And he is like, dude, I’ve got this. Let me just do this for you. So, yeah, I mean, social media, I think that’s a huge time sucker. I know it is. And I know it’s like, it’s not a really a life giver.

I know there’s, [00:26:00] there’s goodness and beauty on all platforms of social media and that’s okay. But, uh, to, to let that, you know, rule our souls on a daily basis for however many hours a day, I not healthy, I can promise you that. Um, work, of course, setting everything aside. Um, obviously you can’t not wash the dishes or, I mean, I guess you could.

When we stayed in Israel it was so interesting because, um, we stayed with several different people and we stayed with this Orthodox family and I. I asked her, I said, well, what do you do on Sabbath? Did you just leave the dishes? And she’s like, yeah, we’ll just leave it for the next day. They get all the food ready the first day.

Yep. It’s amazing. It’s so beautiful. I was like, you know what? That’s awesome. Um, so many different, you know, forms of whatever is taking your attention from something that is good, true, and beautiful. I think could, can also be in line with, with, um, practicing presence. Also just like, I don’t think it needs to be like you’re meditating [00:27:00] for 17 hours.

I don’t think it needs to be that. I think it needs to be like you stop, you smell the roses, you watch a spider, spin a web. You know, you, you hang with your people. You jump in the water. You just do. You just do life. You be a human being, not a human doing for a day. 

Leah: Right? We’re human beings. I love that.

That we’re human beings, not human doings. I love that. That’s so good.

This is wrapping up part one, but don’t worry, we’re gonna keep the conversation in part two. But I have to say this idea of focusing on being human beings, not human doings, it’s so powerful and so good. I needed to hear this like 15 years ago. So badly. So we’ve talked about the importance of pulling back and setting priorities and even reclaiming time through the practices like the Sabbath, which I love, but there is so much more to get into.

So we’re gonna dig into turning presence into a real habit. We’re gonna talk about [00:28:00] dealing with those constant distractions that get all of us, both the external and uh, the internal and the wisdom that can help us stay grounded. So let’s jump in to part two.

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