Leah: [00:00:00] You are here for part two of this incredible interview with Kate Merrick. So just to make sure you have already listened to part one, or you’re gonna feel like you’re coming into the middle of a conversation because Well, you are. So in part one, Kate shared her incredible, powerful story that it just hits the deepest parts of every crevice of our soul.

And I’m just so grateful for her willingness to even share those parts of her life with us. And she taught us about. Identifying our priorities and the initial steps towards practicing presence, ending with that really great reminder to be human beings, not human doings. If you’ve been listening all the way through, you’ve just heard that like three times in a row, and I’m so glad, ’cause I, I want it to stick in all of our heads.

So now let’s dive in to making presence a habit, tackling distractions, and cultivating the mindset we need.

I think what we’re thinking about. Being more present, right. For anyone who [00:01:00] is feeling like, yeah, I feel like I’m, I’m not really there, even though I’m there. How do I get back to being there? These ideas are so good and it really does start with little things, right? And, and one of the biggest is going to be identifying what’s pulling us away and setting it down.

Whether that means. Physically setting it down. Maybe it’s our phones and that’s being put in a drawer. It’s being put in another room, it’s being put onto airplane mode or do not disturb or whatever it might be. Mm-hmm. Maybe it’s my daughter, um, was really cute yesterday. So she’s home from college and we are having conversation where we were talking about, you know, like how she’s feeling and, and, and some different things.

And, uh, we’re kind of having the conversation and then she comes back a little while later and she’s like. I changed my password on Instagram. I have no idea what it is, so I have no way to get back in. And I love it. And I thought that was so [00:02:00] cute. And I said, so did you identify that you felt like maybe Instagram was pulling you back from how you wanna feel?

And she’s like, yep, I don’t even know how to get in. And I love this. So, you know, this idea of, first we’re gonna have to look and figure out what, what is the thing? What do I feel like might be. Holding you back? Is it worry? Because sometimes that’s what it’s, right. We are just worrying about a whole lot of things.

Is it a, a physical, tangible thing, like, I’m spending too much time on my phone. Right. On that game, on that app, uh, whatever it might be. Um, is it, is it something else? And then. Within those two frameworks, we have two things that we can do. If it is a tangible thing that’s pretty obvious, right? Like, okay, I need to get some distance, I need to put a boundary in place to protect myself and what really matters to me, I.

Around me so that I can be more present with my people so that I can have more of that. If it is, if it is a feeling, right? So if it is fear, if [00:03:00] it’s, if it’s something along those lines, then coming back to what you shared about trust, right? Trusting mm-hmm. That this is all going to work for my good, that it’s going to be okay and, and in that trust it.

It takes work. Like if, if that’s not something that someone’s used to, there’s gonna be a lot of resistance that they’re gonna feel probably even in their body, right? They’re gonna feel all the like, huh. But you know, we’re, we’re told we can lay these things down at the Savior’s feet. We can give everything to him.

And when we do that, when we practice trust, which is, okay, here’s all my fears, here’s all my, my anxieties, but. You, you know how to make this all work out and I’m ready to take action. I’ll, I’ll do whatever you have for me. But I also am willing to sit still and just trust, right? Like practicing both of those things can be so powerful.

So, okay. What else would you add to this idea of, of [00:04:00] being able to make a habit of being present instead of, I think so many women probably feel like they have a habit of being distracted. 

Kate: Yeah. Ugh. So hard. Even while we’re talking, there’s like things going on, like that is for both of us, right? Like 

Leah: we have had things going on.

I’ve everybody caught it. My daughter who’s home from college, like she, I, I didn’t even realize she wasn’t here, but she clearly left and came in and, you know, she’s like, I’m home, right? So like I have that my totally, you know, my do not disturb. That was set for an hour, apparently timed up and all of a sudden there’s a thing, you know, you’re like, wait, what’s happening out?

Right? Yeah. Totally. They still went right outside my door, their God. But I was like, oh no. Okay. Yeah. Like this is real life. This is every single one of us. Every woman is like, yes. Like even in the moment when I’m like, I am trying to be fully here. And there’s all these things that are vying for our attention and, and our time and our energy.[00:05:00] 

Kate: Yeah, it’s so true. It’s so true. And so much of it comes back to, um, like what you said about giving yourself permission. And I think it takes like a couple, like, you know, in the game of chess, you’re thinking however many moves ahead. For me, it takes a few moves ahead because I’ll think, no, I gotta do this right now.

But then I think, okay, well if I didn’t like stop and think, well, what if I didn’t do this thing right now or answer this, you know, crying need right now, which I’m used to. Right. We’re just like. I think it’s from having babies and then they cry and you’re like, damn, I’m right there. You know? And like, you’re just like available all the time.

Well, sometimes I think a few steps ahead and I think, well, if I didn’t, if I didn’t, if, if I say no to, to this person to do their thing, or if I, you know, don’t answer that call right now or whatever, who’s gonna die? No one. Zero people are gonna die because I said no. Literally. And it could be hard to say no to someone else’s expectations because you wanna bless everybody.

You [00:06:00] wanna, you know, depending on your personality type, some people are like, it’s really deeply tied. Saying yes is really, and that’s a real thing. Um, and so other people are like, yeah, I don’t care. Yeah, yeah. You know? I’m somewhere in the middle. Um, but I, I am a deeply obliging person, and so I just have to think a few steps ahead and, and just really, again, go back to that list of priorities.

So what’s, what’s the most important thing? Giving myself permission. Telling myself, like no, saying no as actually the good thing. I need to choose the good thing. And that’s, and that’s, I’m responsible for that. I am not responsible for everyone else’s needs all the time. I’m just not. I am. And, and one thing I think for me, like a really big distraction, um, you know, there’s daily life.

There’s like the gardener outside and then there’s the kids that come home and all the things. But a huge distraction for me is texts, phone calls, all that. And I think, you know what? [00:07:00] I love the do not disturb mode on the phone. Like, I love it. I love it so much. I have it on, I have it, um, it goes on at 8:00 PM and it.

Or goes off or whatever. The, the notification, the focus notification goes on at 8:00 PM and it turns off. And the next morning at eight 30 and I’m like, you know what? Between eight and 8:38 PM to 8:30 AM I’m still unavailable. And has anyone died because of it? Zero people have died because of it. None.

No one. And it’s actually caught. It’s given me more time with my family. Um, it. So little things like that. Um, even talking about phones, even if I am, I get zero notifications. All those apps, they’re like notifications. All of mine are off. There are none. No, I don’t, don’t tell me about your thing. I don’t wanna hear about your sale.

I don’t wanna hear whatever It’s. It’s all designed to make us go crazy. It’s all designed to sell, sell, sell, and to get our attention. The whole [00:08:00] world is designed to be like, here. Here, look at me. Look at me. You think about billboards and ads and what is it? The average American sees 10,000 ads a day or something insane like that.

I think it’s time to get mad about that, right? Like no, yeah, my time is valuable. My 24 hours are mine to decide what to do with, and, and I think it’s, so much of it is mindset. Yes, it’s practice, whatever that practice looks like for you. But a lot of it’s mindset and there there’s wisdom. Okay. So, you know, we can.

Like you were talking about optimizing those 24 hours. Absolutely. We need to optimize our 24 hours. That is good stewardship of our time. And then if you think about it, it’s actually bad stewardship of our time to go overboard, do all the things for all the people, and crash and burn. Yep. We’re given one life.

We’re given one life. We’re given these precious people. Why would we ever waste that? Right. And so whether that’s, you know. Being wise about, or efficient about where we go and driving to the thing, okay, well if I’m gonna drive to the grocery store, I’m [00:09:00] gonna get my tires done on the way because da da da da.

And that makes sense. And get, you know, I only get gas, or I only go to the store on the days that I gotta work because I don’t want waste time on the road and blah, blah, blah. And you just. Fee wise about your time. Um, but also I schedule in margin and it took me so many years to do it. I felt guilty. I felt so guilty if I did anything for myself.

And if you’re a young mom and you’re listening, I know you know what I’m talking about. Because not only do not get to sleep at night when you want, you don’t get to eat when you want. You don’t even get to go to the bathroom when you want. Like sometimes you’re like, yeah, I don’t get to pee ’cause my kids need me.

Like we don’t get to take care of like the most. Bare minimum needs that we have and that goes through, you know, my son, my oldest is 24 now, and it’s taken me 24 years of being a mom to get to the point where I’m like, oh, actually there’s some things that I need to do that are very important. And those involve, you know, getting out in the sunshine.

And, you know, those involve a lot of margin. And if I don’t [00:10:00] claim that margin for myself. Someone else will claim it for me. And I think that our enemy wants us distracted. And when you think about it, you’re like, God wants us rested, but Satan wants us distracted. And when we open our eyes to that, we should get mad.

Like, that’s not okay. And, and you can have, you can be bombarded with a million good things, whether it’s helping out with the PTO, you know, snack mom on the soccer team, all the things, all the, but if there’s too many and it’s ripping us off from our actual life and the important beautiful things around us, um, then it’s a, no.

We should, we should get mad. And be like, no, I’m not having that. I’m not having distraction. I don’t need it. I don’t need these things. You’re trying to sell me. Don’t want ’em. Get it outta my face. Shut it off. And it’s, it’s actually like a proactive think you, you think, oh, well if I just. Cruise along. If I don’t swim upstream.

[00:11:00] Well, you’re gonna drift down if you don’t swim. Swim upstream in practicing presence, you know, getting, ripping things out of our lives that don’t belong there. Just like if you don’t swim upstream in your relationships and your marriage, you know you have to work at it. If you. If you quit, if you give up, you’re gonna drip downstream.

If you quit in your relationship with God, you’re gonna drip downstream. It’s the same with being present and making the most of our time. It’s like, oh my gosh, none of us know. My daughter had eight and a half years. Who knew? Who knew when she was born? She would only get eight and a half years, right. I, I always say like, I could get hit by a bus on my way to work today, and that could be it for me.

Did I spend those hours on those days wisely? Like, I sure hope so. And I, after my daughter died, I just, you know, you’re just really like, faced with mortality and the fact that our days are numbered and I, it’s part of my daily vernacular now. And, um, when [00:12:00] I was pregnant with my daughter, so this was 12 years ago, my youngest, she, I would be at like Trader Joe’s and they’d say, oh, is this your first?

And, and I’d say, oh no, it’s my third. And they’d say, how old are the other two? And then it’d be like, oh crap, no, I gotta solve him. Do I lie and say, you know how old Daisy would be? Or do I say, well, I’ve gotten a, you know, I’ve got a 13-year-old and one in heaven and I’ve tried it both ways. I’ve tried lying and I’ve tried, you know, ’cause I’m like, oh.

Because I would say, well, one’s in heaven, shoot. You know? Oh my gosh. They look at me like it’s contagious. They kind of back up and they’re like, oh gosh, I’m oh, oh, that’s really sad. And I’d say, you know, a hundred percent of us die. A hundred percent of us do. I’ve said that to so many Trader Joe’s cashiers.

And they look at me like, lady, you’re nuts. And I’m like, I’m not nuts. I am so sane. I’m the most sane person in the store right now. You all are not thinking that you have endless time. We don’t have endless time. Our days [00:13:00] are numbered, our hours are numbered, and I’m like, let’s spend them wisely. Let’s live a beautiful, meaningful, impactful life.

And that does not mean doing all the things all the time. 

Leah: Hmm. We can either look back, I. And say, oh, I did that good. Or We can look back and wish we could get a do over, which we can’t. Nobody no gets a do over and we’ve all made mistakes. There is no one listening to this who doesn’t have feelings of, dang it.

I could have done that better. What we can do is we can start right now. We can start right now, and we can make very conscious decisions about how we’re gonna show up in each situation. The kids are coming home soon from school. Okay? How do I wanna show up when they get home from school? We’re planning to, I, I, what are we doing for dinner tonight?

How am I gonna show up for dinner? Nighttime routine. Bedtime routine? How am I gonna show up? For bedtime routine. Mm, date night. How am I gonna show up for date night if we start asking those [00:14:00] questions multiple times a day? And if you’re worried like, Ooh, how am I gonna remember to keep doing that? I had a silent.

Um, alarm that would go off strategically timed at different times during my day that asked me am I showing up and being 100% present in this moment. Okay. So I had one that, that went off about 45 minutes after the kids got home from school. ’cause that was about the time where I’d start to be like. Oh, they’re all busy.

Right? I had one that, um, went off when, once my husband got home, I had one that went off even during my workday while everyone was gone. Like, am I doing the right thing or have I, you know, gone down some rabbit hole? And that was huge. I mean, that was the entire time that my kids worked their way through elementary school.

Those were going off for me. Viktor Frankl has this incredible question where he asks If you could do this again, how would you do it differently? But he doesn’t ask it at the end of the experience. He asks it at the beginning before you’ve done it. And there have been so many moments [00:15:00] where we’re coming in on, on family vacation.

If I could do this vacation over again, how would I do it differently before we’ve ever stepped on the plane? We had a house fire a couple years ago and the day after I am. Waking up in the hotel room and I am just pouring out gratitude in my prayer. Like, oh my gosh, we are safe. Like, no one is hurt.

Things can be replaced. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I kept getting this, this like prompting that was, that was, you were, you are in a trial and I was like, no, I’m not. We’re fine in a trial. No. Leah, the trial is starting now and I was like, oh, oh, this is gonna be hard, right? And so I sat down and I remember journaling, if I could do this over again, how would I do it differently?

And it was my oldest, it was, we were coming into her senior year. So I’m like, okay, how am I gonna do that? How am I gonna do like all these things, right? And we were out of our house for about nine months and um, and I was so [00:16:00] grateful over and over and over. Coming back to that moment of, if I could do this again, how would I do it differently?

So just thinking about, you know, we could prompt ourselves every day as we start the day. If I could do this day over again, how would I do it differently? And then every. Major, and I’m, I’m kind of air quoting because it can even be like the weekend getaway, but every big thing that you’re like, I wanna remember this well, like, I mean, it could even be like, okay, it’s my kids’ soccer season track season.

If I could do this over again, how would I do differently? And, and just thinking about how, how we show up. But if we can shift, I think that mindset piece of just taking time to ponder, right? Like. Before we’re in the thick of it before all of the things that are vying for our attention all the time are there pounding at us.

Then maybe we have a little bit more like resilience as we’re, as we’re facing [00:17:00] them. Mm-hmm. I love 

Kate: that. Oh, I love that. Just preemptive, like just getting down to it before we can be like, oh no, what happened? Yes. I feel like so much of life just. Happens to us. Yes. And I don’t think it needs to, right. 

Leah: I don’t want, want to do life with it happening to me.

I want to happen to life, and the only way that that’s gonna happen is for me to be aware. Like I need to, I need to be aware and, and showing up fully ready for. Each day and each moment and, and we all have our mess ups. That’s the thing. Nobody’s doing this perfectly. Like we’re all still getting caught up in the dang it, that slipped right past me.

I totally missed that one. Right? Like, that’s still gonna happen. But if we could even get 20% better, how great would that be? Like how much better could life be if we were 20% more present, even 10%? And then if we could stack on that just 1% better every day, right? [00:18:00] Which is get in the hill better and a little better.

How could that transform our experience, but also our relationships? 

Kate: For sure. I love that so much and I think a lot of practicing presence is just like having open hands. Like, you know, this is just what it is right now. Am I, am I. As you know, locked in as I can be. Yeah. And whether that it, I don’t think it needs to look any certain way.

I think when you say, oh, practice presence, it makes you think of like the lotus pose, like a guru on the top of a mountain. But I don’t think that’s, you know, like, sure, that’s one part of it. Maybe like getting alone and being in the quiet, but I, I, I think it’s exactly what you’re saying, like, showing up as best as we can to every single.

Moment. You know, like, and, and, and I really, I really think that [00:19:00] we have a tendency, I don’t know if it’s our culture or if it’s our human nature, if this has always been happening, but to look to the next thing. So you know, oh man, well, when I’m not pregnant anymore, oh, well, when my baby stopped nursing, then I can, oh, well, when I finally, oh well, when I finally find a husband, oh, well then when I find, and we’re just like pushing a fast forward button.

Our minds and it’s like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Each and every season has something so cool. Right. Even if even the torture of like sleeplessness, you can tell that was really hard for me. Even the torture of sleeplessness, like, well, these days are not gonna last forever, and you never know when the last time that is.

You never know when the last time you kiss your husband on the lips is. You never know when the last time you say I love you to your child that’s there. You never know when the last time you help someone with their homework or whatever, or the last time you cook somebody a meal, I mean. Life is so fragile.

And I think the, you know, I think [00:20:00] just using all of the things that God gave us, all the gifts he’s given us, all the talents he’s given us, let’s just use them to our, the best of our ability. Right. I. And just like walk on and, and I just, I don’t know. I love what you said about like, what would I do differently before the thing even starts?

It’s like, that’s actually so wise. It’s so wise because too often we’re like, oh man, you know, I’ve heard it from a thousand moms, and I felt that way sometimes, Leanne. I kind of miss that. Yeah, I missed it. Don’t miss it. Don’t miss it. Right. Whatever it is. Like the Right, whatever year it is. The double years the, 

Leah: yeah, the, the working years, whatever.

Yeah. Just don’t miss it. Okay. So I wanna bring that back to the last thing I wanna talk about. ’cause I’ve been thinking about this as you and I have been talking. We’re a little bit further along the path, right? Like in all of this we are acutely aware of seasons ’cause we’ve been through them. [00:21:00] We have been through When none of your kids are in school yet.

When you have not slept through the night and you don’t know how long, ’cause you also don’t know what day it’s right. We’ve also been through. Hallelujah. They’re all in elementary school. We’ve also been through, oh my gosh, I happen to have one in junior high and one in elementary school, and now I have to be everywhere all the time.

Or one in high school, one in junior high, one in elementary school. That is fun, right? Like we’ve, we, so we’ve been through these, we’re a little further down the path, right? Like I’m in my forties, you’ve turned 50, like we’re a little more comfortable. Being still, now we’re a little more comfortable saying No.

It’s so funny ’cause we’ve heard this our whole lives. Other people say, oh, you get to your forties, we’ll say and, and you don’t care as much. You know? And I remember hearing that and being like, is that really gonna happen? Like, I remember a 20, you know, in my early twenties, young mom in mid 20, you know, like thinking like.

Oh my gosh, really? Because I cared about everything and I wanted everybody to be happy with me, and I wanted [00:22:00] to get everything right. And, and somewhere it did happen. So if I had to ask you like, why, what, what is it that shifts as we get older, that helps us to be more comfortable sitting in stillness?

Being able to choose, know when it’s appropriate. Like what, what shifts for us? Like what advice could we give to that younger, that younger version of us? Um. 

Kate: That is such a good question. Honestly, you know, you hopefully Asian wisdom, Asian wisdom come hand in hand. It doesn’t always. So, you know, we aim at June, no.

There are some people who are, that are not wiser and Lord willing we will become wise with Asian. I think that just means paying attention. Paying attention to um. To how your life is gone and what you would do differently. If you don’t pay attention. You’re not gonna grow from things. And so, you know, like you said, we are all making mistakes all the [00:23:00] time.

We’ve all made mistakes. But if we don’t learn from our mistakes, then that’s the problem. It’s not the making the mistake that’s yes the problem. Right? Because are happening 

Leah: no matter what. They’re coming, like, we’re all making mistakes. Are we learning at home? Oh, I love that. 

Kate: Yeah, my husband and I have a saying that’s like, what are you new?

Because like, well, we were new, you know? That’s why kids, that’s why, you know, kids pee their pants because they’re new. They’re not good at using the toilet yet. And that’s why, you know, junior hires are ridiculous ’cause they’re new. That’s silly. So when you’re not new anymore, like we’re not new moms anymore, and so hopefully we won’t be, you know, we have some wisdom.

We can say, oh wow, I’ve done the math, I have the receipts, and gosh, this is what I see worth it. And, and also I think that, um, just as far as, remember when I said, you, you figure out no one’s gonna die because I didn’t. [00:24:00] Do all the things, you know? And I think one of those big lessons, I think for a lot of moms is saying yes to everything.

Yeah, I’ll do the bake sale. Yeah, I’ll do the thing. And then like, I know this from experience, we’re resentful. Mm-hmm. You know, we’re kind of pissed off and grumble, grumble, grumble. And the women that didn’t say yes, like what are they doing? And like, well, you know, no one would’ve died if there wasn’t a bake sale.

Food would be fine if there wasn’t a bake sale. We all eat less sugar and it’d be great actually. Like it’s just, I know the bake so for the good of all of our health. Okay. Um, but are the good of humanity? No. Yes. No more. Okay. Um, no, I think it, I just, I do, I think it’s learning from our mistakes. Yeah. And, um, witnessing.

Witnessing a good, and, and I think that’s something, if I could tell my younger self, is pay attention to what’s good. Mm. You know? Yes. Learn from our mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up for it. Be [00:25:00] like, whatever’s good. Grab, I want more of that. I want more 

Leah: of that. Right. Oh, so good. I, when I think about it, I, I think.

I have now at this point, gathered up so many experiences and enough experiences and I can look back and say, wow, it always worked out for my good. And the younger I was, I didn’t have enough of them. I was constantly terrified that it wasn’t going to work out. And you know, I look back and I’m like, Leah, you, you could have like pulled that thread through and realize like.

Worst case scenario, I’m catastrophizing, like we’ll be homeless, living under a bridge. Okay. Would you be No. Our parents would step in and they would take terrorized. That would never happen. They would never let their grand babies be starving. Yeah, right. But like we do these things and I think the older that we get, we’ve accumulated these experiences where we’ve gotten to see.

What I truly believe is the hand of God, and you don’t always get to see it in the moment. It takes time. It takes time to get to see how it all worked out. So the older we get, the more I’m able to look back and go, oh, I never needed to worry. [00:26:00] I never needed to worry. Yeah, it was all gonna be okay. And then the flip side of that is, wow, I spent so much time and effort and energy worrying.

I never needed to. I gave permission to feel all these feelings that never even manifested into reality, but I was acting as if it was already there and it never happened, right? Mm-hmm. So just seeing those opportunities, oh, this has been so, so good. Kate, thank you so much for being on the podcast. How can people connect with you?

Okay, well, 

Kate: I’m not on social media. I didn’t know your but, and I told y’all how come, um, I do have a website. It’s k merrick.com. The letter k weirdly, Kate Merrick was taken and it was like some, like, you know, when people just take uh Yeah. Names or whatever. Yeah. K merrick.com. I not gonna lie, I have not updated my website in a long time, but there’s all kinds of stuff on there and, um, that I do have, if, if someone wants to, like, if I.[00:27:00] 

Uh, part of my, um, way of being as far as being accessible to people that are not like my real life friends is I, I. I make myself available on email. So that’s part of how I, um, create more time in my day is not having a space on, you know, a platform where people can DM me and ask me about my outfit.

Rather, if someone finds me, finds my contact page on my website and you send me an email, I will respond and I pray for every single person that emails me. And you know, that takes like what could take a lot of my time to something that’s, I think very valuable. So if someone needs to, needs some prayer, you wanna say hi, you can email me on my website.

Um, otherwise I think that’s my only thing. And then I have two, but I was gonna say, you have two books. Let’s, I do, I do. And, and you know what’s fun about that in Margin and Time [00:28:00] is I feel like both of my books as. As if I sat down with somebody, you know, five different times to talk through all these things.

I. For me, it’s a good use of my time to write the books, publish the books, and then the books can go out, spread the message I have, and it’s as if I spent, you know, five or 10 hours with somebody, which I can’t physically do. So if you wanna read about practicing presence, if you wanna read about finding joy and suffering, uh, you can read my books.

Perfect. When they’re found, wherever books are sold. 

Leah: Yes. Yes. Amazing. And we’ll link to both of them, so that Great. I can find them. Okay. Thank you so much for being part of this. Thanks. Yeah. Of this episode and, and sharing your insights with us and, and like. Your story. I mean, you have experienced grief on a level that is everyone’s largest nightmare, and you lived through it and you’re still smiling.

I did. And you’ve shown like, you know, that there’s hope and so [00:29:00] thank you. Thank you for, for sharing all of this with us today. 

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