Today, we’re diving into a topic that I know is close to the heart of every parent: building strong, lasting relationships with our kids, grounded in open communication and trust. And to have this incredibly important conversation, I’m thrilled to have my daughter, Ella, back with me.

If you caught our previous episode, you heard Ella’s perspective on growing up with a mom entrepreneur – the good, the challenging, and the lessons learned. It was such an honest look at the juggle and the guilt that often accompanies being a working mom. During that chat, we touched on how our family has managed to cultivate a really open dialogue, something that, as Ella and her sister have gone off to college, they’ve realized isn’t always the norm among their peers.

So, today, we’re exploring just that: How do we create an environment where our kids feel they can truly talk to us about anything? Ella’s sharing her insights from the “kid” side of the equation, and let me tell you, her wisdom is beyond her years.

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What Does “Open Dialogue” Even Mean? Ella’s Definition

I started by asking Ella what “open dialogue” looks like from her perspective.

• No Question is Off-Limits (Even the TMI Ones!): “I genuinely feel like I could ask you any question. No question is too TMI… I knew I could ask you and you weren’t gonna judge me… you were just gonna answer really honestly.”
  She even mentioned her college roommates sometimes asking her to pose their “TMI questions” to me because they didn’t feel comfortable asking their own moms.
• Mom as a Best Friend (But Better): “I fully consider you one of my best friends and I want to be around you… I know you’re my mom and… it’s not the same relationship as a friend, but it’s almost better and deeper.” (Cue all the happy mom tears!)
• It Doesn’t Mean No Disagreements: Ella was quick to point out that a close relationship doesn’t mean we don’t fight or get mad at each other. We do! It means we’re normal people who can disagree and still maintain that deep connection.

The Building Blocks: How Did We Get Here?

Looking back, Ella identified a few key things that she believes fostered our open communication:

1. The “You Can Tell Me Anything” Promise (and Meaning It!):
   • Ella’s Take: “You always, always told me like, ‘You can ask me absolutely anything. No question is a dumb question.’… if I messed up and did something wrong, I could tell you and you might be a bit disappointed, but you weren’t mad at me… I would rather tell you than have a secret from you.”
   • My Approach: Both her dad and I consistently told the kids they’d be in far less trouble if they came to us first versus us finding out later. We also tried to proactively bring up topics we thought they might have questions about to initiate dialogue, especially in their younger years. (Now, Ella just prefaces her interesting questions with, “This is a weird question…”)
     
2. Balancing Parent and “Friend” (Even if I Didn’t Realize It):
   • Ella’s Take: “You did a really great job of not just being my parent, but being my friend… I always felt like we were friends.” She remembered our “date nights” where each kid got one-on-one time and how I made an effort to make each of them feel seen and heard.
   • My Honesty: I confessed I never consciously tried to be their “friend,” as I always felt my primary role was “mom.” It’s fascinating how a child can interpret a parent’s effort and love as friendship, even when that wasn’t the parent’s explicit goal. It speaks to the power of connection and having fun together. And those date nights? I felt SO inconsistent with them, but the fact that she remembers them fondly is a huge lesson in giving ourselves grace.
     
3. The Power of Showing Up (Even Imperfectly):
   • Ella’s memories highlighted that even if I didn’t always get it “right” or was inconsistent, the effort and love were what mattered. There’s a “beautiful fog of forgetfulness” that can cover our imperfections when our kids know we’re trying our best.

Ella’s Wisdom for Balancing Life’s Demands

Beyond our relationship, I asked Ella what lessons she’s taking with her as she navigates the busyness of college life:

• Prioritize & Tackle the Big Rocks First: Do the most important (often hardest) thing first.
• Time Blocking with Rewards: Allocate specific time for tasks, and if you finish early, that extra time is yours to enjoy! (A trick she learned from me that we both still use!)
• Work & School Aren’t Everything (Especially for Type A Personalities!): Ella, a self-proclaimed “Type A baby,” had to learn that free time, relaxation, and social connections are just as worthy of being scheduled as assignments.
• Know Your “Good Enough”: She realized she didn’t always have to give 110% to get a good outcome. Sometimes 80% is perfectly fine and saves a lot of stress – a crucial lesson for high achievers. This was a great reminder for me that advice isn’t one-size-fits-all; what motivates one child might overwhelm another.

The Platinum Rule: A Game-Changer for All Relationships

Towards the end of our chat, Ella shared a nugget of wisdom from one of her college communications classes that blew me away:

• The Golden Rule: Treat others how you would like to be treated.
• The Platinum Rule: Treat others the way they would like to be treated.

“You can’t standardize the way you treat people,” Ella said. “Whether that’s your child or your friends… thinking about… not what would work for me, not what I think I’m supposed to do, but what will actually help them?”

This is profound. It applies to parenting (loving and disciplining each child according to their unique needs), to our partnerships, our friendships, and even our businesses. It requires listening, observing, and sometimes, asking directly: “How can I best support you right now?”

It also means, as parents, being willing to hear when we’re not showing up in the way our child needs, even if our intentions are good. That can be hard to hear, and my first instinct is often to get defensive. But learning to just listen, to not make it about my “wisdom,” has been a crucial part of our evolving communication.

Key Takeaways for Building Stronger Bonds with Your Kids:

• Create a “No Judgment Zone”: Explicitly tell your kids they can ask or tell you anything, and then honor that by responding with openness, even if it’s uncomfortable.
• Prioritize One-on-One Time: Even inconsistent efforts to connect individually can leave a lasting positive impression.
• Be Real, Not Perfect: Kids don’t need perfect parents; they need present, loving parents who are trying. It’s okay for them to see you struggle sometimes.
• Teach Them to Prioritize & Manage Time: These are life skills that will serve them well beyond academics.
• Embrace “The Platinum Rule”: Strive to understand and meet your child’s individual needs, rather than applying a one-size-fits-all approach to love, discipline, or support. This requires open dialogue and a willingness to adapt.
• Listen More Than You Speak (Especially When They’re Finally Ready to Talk!): Those late-night chats on the edge of your bed? They’re gold. Treasure them, even when you’re exhausted.

This conversation with Ella was incredibly special, especially as she prepares for a new, big adventure in her life. It was a beautiful reminder that the effort we put into truly connecting with our kids, listening to them, and loving them for who they are, truly does matter.

AFTER YOU LISTEN: 

• Grab my 10 Favorite Time-Management Hacks and take control back!
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I’d love to connect and know your thoughts on this episode. Find me on Instagram!

OTHER EPISODES YOU’LL LOVE:

Part 1 of this Series with Ella: My 19-year-old Daughter’s Take: What It’s Really Like Growing Up with a Working Mom

Ep 127: How To Stay Balanced

Ep 75: Bye Burnout: 3 Experts Show You How

Ep 42: Avoiding Mommy Burnout